What is attachment?

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Remember those fundamental human needs for safety and connection? When either of these needs isn’t met in our adult relationships, our nervous system immediately goes into self-protection. From an attachment perspective, disconnection doesn’t just feel uncomfortable — it is unsafe. When we can’t find emotional closeness or predictability with our partner, our system becomes dysregulated, and we automatically reach for the strategies that once helped us survive emotional pain.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), these protective patterns often fall into two broad categories: pursuers and withdrawers. 

The pursuer’s primary role is to monitor the level of emotional closeness in the relationship. Their attachment system is finely tuned to signs of distance or unavailability. They’re scanning for cues that say, “Are we okay? Do you love me?”

When the connection feels uncertain, the pursuer’s attachment alarm goes off. They often feel heightened sensitivity to messages that they are unimportant, unworthy of love, or too much. In their effort to re-establish closeness, pursuers tend to protest the disconnection — through questioning, raised voices, blaming, or criticizing. While these behaviors may look like anger or control-seeking, underneath is a deep plea: “Please don’t pull away. I need to know you still care.”

The pursuer’s core fear is loss of the relationship — that their partner will withdraw, get tired of them, or ultimately leave.

The withdrawer’s primary role is to monitor the level of emotional risk or conflict in the relationship. Their attachment system is especially sensitive to cues that signal potential rejection, failure, or inadequacy. They’ve often learned that when emotions run high, things become unpredictable, painful, or even unsafe. 

So, when conflict arises, the withdrawer’s instinct is to protect the relationship — and themselves — by retreating or avoiding. They may use strategies such as deflection, humor, logic, or silence to calm things down because they have not had experiences where conflict helps the relationship. What looks like avoidance on the surface is often a desperate attempt to prevent pain and disappointment. Inside, withdrawers often carry the belief, “I can’t get it right. Nothing I do is ever good enough.”

Their core fear is failure — failing their partner, failing the relationship, or being seen as not enough.

Attachment theory teaches us that our earliest emotional bonds with caregivers create the template for how we relate and respond in adulthood. These patterns are not random — they’re learned, adaptive responses formed in childhood to help us stay connected and safe in our family environment.

When caregivers were emotionally inconsistent, unavailable, or unpredictable, we learned strategies to get our needs met — or to minimize the pain when those needs weren’t met. Over time, these patterns become internalized as protective strategies.

And because attachment is generational, the ways our parents related to us often mirror how they were parented. Unless someone begins to do their healing work, these dynamics repeat from generation to generation — not out of intention, but out of instinct and conditioning.

If you reflect on how your caregivers responded to your needs, emotions, and boundaries, you’ll likely see the origins of your attachment strategies and messaging. We learn what connection and safety look and feel like through these early templates–as well as how to respond when things are “not working”. 

Here’s where things get interesting — and tricky. According to attachment theory, we are unconsciously drawn to partners who activate our childhood attachment patterns. There’s a kind of magnetic pull toward the dynamics that mirror our earliest emotional experiences. Additionally, as humans, we are attracted to the new, shiny thing. So, we will find our opposite–pursuers find withdrawers, withdrawers find pursuers. At first, this is new, exciting and different. But over time, once our attachment systems are activated and our wounds and fears begin to show up in our connection.

In EFT, we call this the “negative cycle” — a repeating pattern where each partner’s protective moves trigger the other’s deepest fears. As Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains:

“When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.”

What drives the negative cycle is not the content of the argument, but the emotional disconnection and activation of our attachment wounds. When we feel unseen, misunderstood, or unsafe, our attachment alarms go off, and we step into our familiar roles: pursuer or withdrawer. These patterns often feel like “never-ending conflict” and unfortunately ignite our core fears of loss of the relationship and failure.

This is the million-dollar question. Once we recognize that insecure attachment is driving our relationship struggles, the natural next step is wondering whether—and how—we can change it. The fortunate truth is that healing your attachment system is possible. Whether you are in a relationship or single, your mind and body are capable of learning new patterns of safety and connection.

In attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), secure attachment is not a fixed state—it’s a process. It is built through repeated experiences of emotional safety, understanding, and repair. Whether this type of attachment was built for you or you need to repair it for yourself– consistent moments of responsiveness— with others and with yourself—train your nervous system that, “I can trust that I am safe and that my needs matter” .

Here are key steps and principles to begin this healing process:

The first step toward change is honest self-reflection. Can you acknowledge how you show up in relationships when you feel unsafe, unseen, or disconnected?
It is easier to focus on our partner’s behavior (“I only criticize because they don’t listen!”) than to recognize the protective strategies we use to manage our attachment wounds. Yet growth begins when we can recognize the role we play in our attachment dynamic.“When I feel rejected or hurt, I tend to get critical and mean,” or “When I feel overwhelmed, I shut down.”
This isn’t about blame—it’s about owning your moves in the cycle. Change comes from our ability to recognize, name, and stop our patterns.

Every protective behavior serves a purpose. Instead of judging your reactions, get curious about what they’re trying to do for you.

• What emotion or fear drives this behavior?
  
• What are you hoping will happen when you do it?
  
• What did this strategy once protect you from?
  

When we explore these questions, we can uncover deep, vulnerable emotions—loneliness, fear, shame, or pain—that live beneath our defensive responses. Curiosity allows us to meet those emotions with compassion and understanding, rather than self-criticism. We need to provide consistency and safety for ourselves in the ways that were needed as young people.

Once you’ve organized your internal experience, the next step is to share it vulnerably. This means naming what’s really happening inside—not just anger or frustration, but the fears and pain underneath.

For example:

“When you pull away, I get scared that I don’t matter to you. That fear usually looks like me telling you all of the many ways you have wronged me”.

This kind of communication will feel risky, especially when your past has taught you that vulnerability leads to rejection or abandonment. Before opening up, make sure the relationship feels emotionally safe—and that you’re ready to tolerate some discomfort as you learn new ways to connect.

Equally important is how you respond when your partner is the one sharing vulnerably. Do you tend to freeze, explain, minimize, or try to fix? The ways we learned to listen and respond are also conditioned. Unlearning old strategies and re-learning tools to listen, empathize, and validate is how we help each other feel safe enough to take emotional risks. In EFT, this pattern of emotional sharing and responsiveness is what rewires our attachment bond.

Attachment wounds are powerful and deeply ingrained. If you grew up with emotional neglect, inconsistency, or chaos, your nervous system learned to stay on alert.
Healing doesn’t happen after one or two breakthrough conversations—it happens through repeated experiences of safety and repair. Each time you or your partner reach for one another and respond differently than before, you lay down new neural pathways in your brain that signal “connection is safe.”

Remember, it’s normal to get pulled back into old patterns. That’s not failure—it’s your brain doing what it’s done for a very long time. The key is to recognize when it’s happening, stop the cycle, and choose a new way forward. With enough repetition and practice, your system will begin to expect—not fear—emotional closeness.

Because attachment wounds occur in relationship, they are best healed in relationship. This might mean working with a partner, parent, close friend, or more often, a trained therapist or coach.
If you pursue therapy, look for someone trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or other attachment-based approaches. These models focus not just on managing behavior, but on repairing the deep pain that creates attachment patterns. 

Even if you were not gifted with a secure attachment system, you can become securely attached. Your past explains your patterns, but it doesn’t define your future. We did not ask for these attachment wounds, but it is our responsibility to heal them for ourselves and our partners. With awareness, practice, and safe connection, your attachment system can learn that love doesn’t have to be scary and hard—it can be secure, safe, and deeply fulfilling.